"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about you, since I have you in my heart...

And this is my prayer that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, fill with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ -- to the glory and praise of God."

Philippians 1:3-11

I've been trying to read through Philippians a few times a week in April and May. Jim does that...reads books over and over...it kinda gets under your skin...

Thank you again for your sweet hospitality last weekend! It is great to now have a memory of where you are and a little of what your life is like there in Shanghai. Being with you both reminds me how much God has blessed you, not just materially, but in who you are. Your natures, personalities, giftedness... you are so rich!

I imagine that it doesn't always feel like that, especially in your current state of what seems to be relational poverty of heart friends or 'kindred spirits'. As I looked around your church before and after service. As I walked down the streets. Everywhere I looked in Shanghai, I got the sense that everyone is feeling the same: lonely.

But don't give up! Last year I asked Lori Webb (who after living in Singapore for 1 1/2 months was able to have a birthday party and invite 12 friends) "How do you manage to make friends so fast?" She said she figures that she has to expect to initiate 90% of the time in all her relationships. Always. Just hearing her say that gave me motivation to keep trying. (In fact, after hearing that, I decided to change my expectation that I'd initiate 100% of the time and when someone initiates with me -like invites us to Shanghai, or asks if they can come stay over Christmas-, it is unexpected delight!). Jim's been a good model for me too. When people don't respond, or return a call, or leave me out of the loop he has shown me how to turn it around..."perhaps they misread, or their email is changed, or something is going on that has them preoccupied. Assume it wasn't INTENTIONAL and assume that they are less competent and organized than you! Assume that they are interested but busy or overwhelmed or depressed or forgetful..."

Anyway, for what it's worth, these things have been helpful lessons that i've learned...not just heard, but learned in the past 2 years.

Don't give up on trying to make friends! As you talked about giving 100% in your relationship to one another, i know that if you are thinking like (giving numbers to your effort, or keeping score on even yourself) that it's a NO WIN proposition! Perhaps the % of effort given to investment in and search for same sex friendships can be seen as part of what you're giving to strengthen your marriage. It will surely take some of the pressure off the expectations of each other if your emotional bank account is getting replentished by more than one person. Now that I've been with you guys...I'm going to be praying more than ever about this and I know that God will lead you to the right people and give you the energy to invest in getting to know them.

I also want you to know that I'm going to be praying for both of you regarding the Chinese. Praying for you that the description of Jesus' attitude about becoming a human in Philippians 2 would start to get under your skin and transform your hearts without much effort on your part. That despite the great cultural differences and style of living, God would give you spiritual eyes to see their lostness. Their moral, spiritual, physical poverty. Their need for Jesus. The great potential they have in the Kingdom of God to share with other Chinese peoples and other poorer cultures that are not going to be 'reached' by foreigners from places that are are more developed/sophisticated and don't make good "m's" (like US!).

On our own we cannot muster this kind of care or compassion. It has to come from the Lord. Oh how I identify with the aggravation and frustrations of living there. And i know it's easy for me to say these things not having lived there long term. I swear to you i had my share of 'bad china days.'

I'm quite sure that becoming friends with Liu Yi Yan and her family (the ones you met for dinner on Sunday) was what God helped bring a balance to the aggravations for me. I couldn't easily generalize and say, "These Chinese people are all so..." because I had this other benchmark. Sure, she was bossy and frank about my mistakes or how i could improve, and had different standard for cleanliness, and fashion sense, and parenting style (oh my how she would criticize her son!!!), and home decorating...but she cared about us (and not just so she could practice or learn English) and we were NEEDY! It makes me weep to think how much the Lord ministered to us through the care of this not-yet-believing family. Lord, keep pursuing them! They are SOOOO smart and educated and capable and initiators! If they followed you as their saviour, they'd have such an impact for YOU!