I sat across from her today at lunch. I've prayed for her often. You know that Lord. You care for her more than I do.

You've made her such a beautiful girl. She always seems so put together. Her make up is pretty. Other people who see her never know from looking at her all that she's been through, or how hard it is for her to get through each day. People can't tell by looking at her the hurts she carries around from a dysfunctional family who hasn't treasured her or nurtured her in the way you've taught us to.

Others don't know that she is medicated to help with her appetite, mood swings and sleep. They may notice she smokes, but they can't see her lungs, or her throat. They don't know what it is that drove her to taking up this destructive habit as the lesser of many other evils she's trying to forgo.

But you know all these things. You know and have seen her since you formed her in her mother's womb.

Why do you give your creations such freedom to mess each other up in procreation, why do you give us such freedom to choose to believe in you, or choose to hate you, or deny your great love? Yes. I know it is so that in our choosing you freely you are most glorified. You don't want robots.

But I look around at the Christians I've been trying to get to know these past few years and think that we're not worth the risk you took to create us with free will.

Especially today, when this girl talks to me about the other Christians she knows and what a mess they are making of their lives and relationships. Here's this gal who has not found redemption and new life because of your incarnation and sacrifice for her, and she is analyzing (pretty accurately) those she knows who are supposedly redeemed and have "new life in Christ."

If I were her, I'd be thinking, "If theirs is the abundant life Jesus talked about then there's really nothing appealing or promising about deciding to become your follower."

From our conversation today, I'm left to think that just about every single example follower of yours that she knows is living in either cyclical bondage to their flesh, refusing to live under your authority, refusing to apply their hearts to learning from your word or pursuing righteousness. She feels "used" by some and is ready to give up a long time friend because of it...Some are living off cheap grace. Another has protective walls so high to her enigmatic emotional fortress, it's nearly impossible to know what she means by what she says, let alone get to know the real her. And then there's one who has ruthlessly gossipped about another friend in front of her - losing credibility for any hope of trust.

Then I sit there and think about the way that friends don't confront one another when they've been hurt...

and I wonder as I hear her talking about others, what among all the blunders that I make daily has proven me to be a phoney, or untrustworthy, or uncaring. I know she wouldn't tell me. But surely I've added to the pile of crappy "testimonies" that show her, in human terms, what it means to be a Christian.

Ah God! The Enemy of our souls, your arch enemy knows he can't beat you, so he goes for us...and he seems to be winning. He knows all of our weaknesses. We are so frail at warding off his attacks. We're so willing to belive the lies he whispers to our hearts.

But Lord. I know that you are faithfully loving and forgiving all of us, and are SOOOOO patient in our tiny steps toward maturity.

I know that I've been changed by you. I know peace that passes understanding from you. I know the freedom that comes from submitting to your laws and trying to live by them, knowing that I can't perfectly, but assured that you're loving and kind and forgiving, and like my heavenly daddy who's pleased at my smallest attempts to do what is right, and be worthy to be called your child...

I've known so many others who have found new life in you and have learned to live through your Holy Spirit living inside them. No matter what kind of torturous, sinful, abusive pasts, you've given them healthy, joyful, whole lives in following you. They really do have freedom. It's not just pie in the sky...

She told me today that she didn't feel she'd gotten much better since I'd met her in 2002. I'd noticed changes in her over these 4 years and had thought, surely she's gotten some help in coping from her psychiatrist. Surely by being on the medication, she's healing physically even if she's not opened up to healing spiritually. But she told me she thinks it's just the medication.

How does she keep going? She's a stronger woman than I am God. I'd have crumbled and given up a long time ago if I were her.

I pray for my friend Lord. I pray your protection over her as she goes through her days under such a heavy burden of past hurts, current medications, and uncertainty about her future. Give me the right words to encourage as she genuinely (?) investigates faith. Give her the courage to really dig into finding the way no matter how she is tormented by being unable to focus, or hearing voices... Lord, when her heart turns to finding truth and finding you, step in and by your mighty name stand up to the demons who want more than ever to keep her in the dark without hope of lasting wholeness. I know you won't force her to follow or find you, but Lord, I pray that by your Spirit, or your angels, or however you do it, that you'll protect her from the Enemy who's desperate to kill her somehow without ever finding you.